i❤him, Zai[D]iaN

Sunday, August 8, 2010

i have soo much to talk about..
soo much to complain..
soo much to share..

its been pretty long since i last updated..
& it ended on a happy note..
well, not today..

you know, i've been having this thoughts..
like why should we really be in a relationship..
it was great when we were just friends & now that we're together, everything & anything messes up my head..
its kinda like you wanna be in the relationship, but you don't when you're in it..
cos it hurts.. it just seems different..
different than what it is before..
i mean before we were together..

being friends was so carefree & yet so attached to each other but when we became an item, we're just too similar and whatever each other did, we reflect ourselves..
& well, you heard of the saying that sounds "the opposite attracts"..
Boys + Girls
Fire + Water
Hot + Cold
you know things like that..

& i heard this alot too..
you're more like a boy..
therefore we seems to be having this friction..
like he's being him, a boy or man i shall say, yet here i am being like a boy too..
i dont know how to explain it but its just the way it is..

you know sometimes i feel like being single..
jadi "andartu"..
but i can't..
& i won't..
i don't wanna be a lonely old lady one day..
i don't have much friends..
my family is amess..

here i am alone, letting him go in that state of mind..
if anything were to happen, i'm to blame..
like now i'm worried..
what the fuck was i thinking..

but again, i can't just keep ignoring my feelings..
how depressed i was when he shouted at me on the bike..
like what the fuck did i do wrong..
i only asked which way is he going?
and he just had to give me that attitude..
at times i feel bad cos whenever we're meeting his family, majority of the time, i'm one fucked up bitch..
but i can't help it..
cos that is usually the time he provoked me..

i didn't want to be a bitch while with his family..
c'mon, i know how to respect too..
but that's another reason why i don't like meeting them that much cos i know his mom has these tendency of being sarcastic, & no offence taken before, but sometimes if i don't try my very best to shut the fuck up, i might be rude to his mom's comments one day..
& i don't fucking want that..
it will be disaster..
i don't want people to think i'm bad cos i AM from a disfunctional family..

so i didn't wanna go..
i said i had no mood..
& i told his sister that i am not feeling well..
i hate to lie but i had too..
& it definitely hurt seeing him go disappointed..
but he didn't say a word about the day before..
like maybe explains why he suddenly freaked out..

i ain't no small kid you can shout at w/o no freaking reason..
i understand if you scold me cos i talk too loudly, and yes, you scold me a lot cos of that but you have to understand, its part of me..
i am a loud person indeed..
i do that with family and friends..
i don't do all those girly-girly talk.. & besides you hate girly-girly girls too..
i just don't know how to be in the middle, not too loud & not too soft..
i've grown up this way.. what do you expect me to do..

like maybe sometimes you scold me cos of what i wear, but i just feel like throwing something on w/o caring..
& i ain't no fashionista to know whats good for me..
i just wanna wear what i think looks good on me & i do not wish to care of whatever other people thinks or says..
i repeat ehk.. I DON't CARE!

hence yeah, you seems to have a lot that you don't like about me but still wanna be with me..
now its feeling like we're 13 again..
everything just isn't good enough for you..
i'm not good enough to be me to be with you..
you guys know what i mean?

i love him dearly.. definitely do.. but now i'm starting to think what do we love each other for?
we're seem to quarell over little things that shouldn't bother us..
like we can think of better things but no, we just have to quarell over small lil things..

& when i told you what my brother did for his gf on their 1st year anniversary, which i somehow was excited about, you just shut down.. when i asked you, what did we do ehk on our anniversary?
you know what we did?
we went out with your family..
no issue there but why did you have to be cold when i talked about my bro's celebration?
you choosed to meet your family & i didn't mind at all, but at least show some interest when i got excited about someone's else..

i know how much you're irritated when you talk to me & i just couldn't concentrate..
but sometimes when i'm quiet, you just have nothing to talk to me.. when i'm reading my mails or something, you'll start talking & i definitely can't say Shut Up!
you know i can't do both.. i can't read & at the same time acknowledge whatever your talking about..
i want to hear you out but sometimes when i wanna hear, there are just nothing to be said from you right?

i don't wanna compare but let me give you an example..
you remember the time we went to ECP to sit & maybe chit chat..
we freaking sat there near the pond, for i think only about 10-15 minutes smoking & talked a lil, & we moved off.. we have nothing to talk about.. & you know how talkative i can be.. but that day, that particular time, i realized we had nothing..
why is that?

maybe we spend too much time being beside each other that we don't know what else to talk about isn't it?
then again, people can say, then don't stay together..
but what happens when we get married one day? stay apart?

am i being cruel?
am i pointing all the blame to him?
cos i am not..

there were definitely my mistakes, but..

i don't know..
are we meant to be our 1st love & not our last?
cos i swear i told myself alot of times for atleast 5 years that i don't fucking wanna get back with Muhammad Zaid, but i did..
& here i am complaining?
who am i kidding?
i'm always complaining about my love life..
yet again, i feel all this that's why i'm saying.. or typing to be exact..

we're always quarelling about where to go, what to eat, ya-da-ya-da-ya-da..

i feel like giving up..
but i love him..
i love his family..
i mean they were nice towards me..

bottom line, i just hate the fact that he can shout at me anytime he wants..
i don't freaking need that..
got shouted when i know nothing what wrong i did..

my mom used to kick me out of the house, a LOT of times, & same thing, i know nothing of the reason..

i really don't need that anymore..
i'm freaking turning 21 soon & i swear i don't fucking want to be shouted at..

well, im left with nothing..
i'm definitely continuing with the relationship..
i'll just keep quiet..
when you shout, i'll walk away..
& come back when you've cooled down..
or say SORRY at least..
one reason & that only, cos i somehow bloody can't leave you.

I Love You! <3

Shower me with love,

12:59:00 AM